The Forty-Three Thoughts I had while watching A Deadly Adoption (2015)

The few months preceding the TV debut of this Lifetime movie were filled with doubt that it even existed, and the nature the film would take if indeed it did. Ferrell and Wiig released several statements claiming the movie was a hoax, and that it would never be made, and then admitted that it would and so on and so forth. This invariably piqued my interest, which says nothing of the films interesting plot or even of the star quality of the films leading roles. It does, however, tell you everything of my gullibility to publicity stunts. Even when I know something is a publicity stunt, I still burn to see it and satisfy the curiosity that was brought about by fake campaigns and righteously indignant actors who feel so betrayed that their movies were leaked ahead of time (ahem, looking at you Rogen and Franco). Of course, what is genuinely interesting (or is it?) about this film is that it’s a Lifetime movie. You know? The type of film that claims to be inspired by true events and that they show on channels like 5* at 2am, and particularly at Christmas, when they know we’re all trapped by our inability to cope with cold weather and darkening skies. It’s not just any Lifetime movie though. It’s a satire Lifetime movie. A spoof with two comedy veterans no less. Which can only mean one thing, obviously – it will either be brilliant, or even worse than the genre it is spoofing.

No time like the present to find out.

Okay, so the film is two minutes in and I already know that Will Ferrell is an alcoholic, a past-his-prime writer, and responsible for his wife’s miscarriage. Oh how I love a film with no subtext.

Should I find this flashback showing the tragic loss of their unborn child so funny? I feel like a bad human right now. Seriously though, I can’t stop laughing. I can feel the bad karma points just wracking up. *Its like those slot machines in casinos that make that incessant beep-beep sound when you've won and dispense coins, except in my case, its bad karma and I have hit the jackpot* 

So the pregnant chick just ripped up a picture of Wiig and Ferrell. CRAZY BITCH ALERT. (…no shit Rachel, it’s called A Deadly Adoption…)

Why is Will Ferrell’s hair so blonde? He looks like a 50 year GP from a Southern Belle TV programme.

So Ferrell can’t go on a book tour because last time he partied and blacked out and this is really bad. Hmmm, maybe I should reconsider how I’ve spent my life so far…?

They’re having a moment whilst discussing sunblock? Ugh, no wonder I haven’t found a boyfriend! I’ve been missing all of the deep-rooted conversational topics. *Note to self: talk about sunblock and insect repellent the next time you see a really hot guy and you will be married within six months* I’m going to call it the Will Ferrell guarantee.

Ewww, according to this guy that Wiig should clearly be with, men just can’t get enough of those six-month pregnant women. Really? I mean I know people have weird fetishes, but how could that be a turn on?

Oh she’s having a secret phone conversation. Yet more evidence that SHE IS A BADDY.

Should she really be drinking coffee when she’s pregnant? Doesn’t that stunt the babies growth? (In all seriousness, I wonder how much coffee my mam drank when she was pregnant with me.)

Well clearly crazy-pregnant-girl is creepily watching that little girl sleep because she’s not really pregnant and she wants her own kid. Though frankly she has taken a very unnecessary and confusing course of action in pursuit of this goal. Moron.

Of course crazy-pregnant-girl has an extensively tattooed boyfriend wearing a wife beater with greasy hair, because there wasn’t enough Lifetime-movie clichés in this Lifetime movie as it is.

No wonder housewives love these films, it’s hilarious-yet-addictive predictability galore.

The pregnant chick (what the hell is her name?!) is telling the little girl that she can’t trust men. Steady on, you don’t wanna ruin her teenage years just yet, she's only six years old. She's got plenty of time to have her romantic illusions shattered by the male species' inability to live up to the expectations forced on us by films.

DUDE! Don’t tell her you don’t love your wife when you’re going to adopt her non-existent baby. That should be like the first rule in the When Adopting a Baby Handbook – do these fictional fathers know nothing?! (I’m looking at you Jason Bateman from Juno).

Okay on second thought, don’t trust the pregnant chick. She’s smiling and being cryptic. I hate people who smile too much. Gives me the creeps. People who smile too much almost always have an agenda.

Dun-dun-dun. She’s wearing a fake bump and the kid has seen. That kid is totally getting murdered now. P.S. I was right about that agenda. Go me.

Okay, so now we’ve got a flashback showing that Will Ferrell and the pregnant chick had a drunken one night stand ages ago and we’re expected to believe that he just forgot this? SERIOUSLY. This is actually hilarious. You don’t forget the face of the person you recently slept with; I don’t care how drunk you are.

So the child has been kidnapped and the pregnant chick is using a false name. This is all happening way too fast, I’m so confused. I am clearly an idiot.

God, I wish Ferrell would dye his god-damn hair and I wish Kristen Wiig would stop talking about ORGANIC FOOD. UGH. (Okay, so she hasn’t discussed organic food for a while now, but I can’t stop thinking about it, she’s so stupid JUST STOP IT KRISTEN)

So this dude who’s in love with Wiig has just described the getaway vehicle as “old, not too old though”. Good going there, you’re being SUPER helpful. They’re totally going to find the kid now.

Why does putting clip-in blonde and purple streaks suddenly make the pregnant-but-not-actually-pregnant chick a badass? My childhood experiences tell me this is most definitely not the case – a purple streak does not a badass make. My words of wisdom for the day.

Don’t follow the bad guy by yourself dude-who-should-be-with-Wiig, you will get murdered and Kristen Wiig will cry because you’re a dumbass

He just got punched and the screen went black I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT WHY DON’T CHARACTERS EVER LISTEN

I think I should just write a film where people make only logical choices that way they won’t get shot needlessly

Gotta love a film with a slow-motion shot of litter rolling softly through the wind. How American Beauty of them…

Kristen Wiig you are a comedy BADASS kick this crazy bitch in the face. Screw the gun, you should just slay her with your vicious, vicious words

Finally, a bitch fight

Oh, I genuinely thought Wiig would win that one. A for effort I guess

Will, your wife is in the car being poisoned get off your ass and SAVE HER

OH-MY-GOD he’s face after being shot, that was my second favourite part of this movie. It’s the expression one would wear when a friend tells them they look a little fat, not the expression you would associate with agonising pain. I’m so happy right now.

Will Ferrell doing a slow-motion dive for a gun was never gonna end well was it? He just doesn’t have the right build. Not to mention he didn’t jump with his legs. I know all the moves, I should just be a professional stunt coordinator and maybe his stunt double.

Why are the people in this film getting shot and handling there fatal wounds so well? Like seriously, this dude was shot in the stomach and all he can muster is a feeble “Ow”?! You're literally going to die, why can't you have an existential crisis or something?!

Note to self: readjust expectations and stop being uptight. Its a Lifetime movie. *practices calm breathing* (I am legitimately practicing calm breathing as I watch/write)

Will Ferrell is having a slow-motion superman moment and I am getting so god damn sick of all of this slow-freaking-motion. Stop. It. 

I mean I should probably preface this entire thing by acknowledging that I know it’s a shoddy lifetime movie, but seriously, why are Ferrell and Wiig being so pathetic? Grow some balls guys and maybe tell a joke or something. I don’t know, I’m just spit balling right now…

Ferrell has walked into the middle of the road to stop the crazy bitch from driving away. I hope he ends this whole thing by holding out his arm and shouting NONE SHALL PASS. That would be such a beautiful moment

Why is the little girl clutching her stomach like that? She doesn’t look like she is in need of her diabetes medicine, she just looks constipated.

Oh would someone just shoot the crazy bitch already, maybe then the slow-motion will end.

Nope. Even when she gets shot we still get slow-motion. Writing the words “slow” and “motion” is starting to fry my brain. I am losing the will to live.

At least Wiig finally grew some lady balls

Oh my god, they’re seriously going to end this with a cheesy dance party? I literally want to kill myself and yet I can’t stop smiling. I’m ashamed of myself right now.

It’s finally over. I feel so overwhelmed.

Meryl Streep’s line from Doubt keeps running through my mind. Meryl feels the feels that I feel which is kind of ironic because that’s the only film of Meryl’s that I was never too keen on.

So its official, A Deadly Adoption might be the best worst thing I have ever seen. Like Meryl said – “I have such doubts”. One thing I can say of this film is that it made me realise a lot of things about myself as a person - specifically that I should really try to avoid these types of films at all costs. Spoof or not. Mainly because they impair my ability to write without an exclamation mark every other sentence, which is obviously the end of the world. 

The Fifty Thoughts I had while watching Fifty Shades of Grey...

So yeah, I’m writing a post on Fifty Shades of Grey. Didn’t think this day would ever come, but like any film lover I can’t give either my stamp of approval or my…erm…my stamp of disapproval(?) if I haven’t seen the film, and this has garnered so much press that my curiosity was invariably piqued. I’m sorry, what can I say? Although to be honest I don’t feel like I need to make excuses because a. I think EVERYBODY secretly wants to see this film and, b. you’re reading this right now, which must mean that your curiosity has been piqued as well…

Without further ado then, my Fifty thoughts while watching Fifty Shades of Grey:

  

She looks way older than 21. Ewww, I’m 21. That’s like me being propositioned by a sex-crazed millionaire. I still act like a kid. Christian Grey (CG from now on because shorthand is just so much easier. Plus I like the sound of CG. It’s cute) would hate me.

Pffftttt, who actually falls face first into a room like that? Moron.

CG gives money to Africa? I’m going to Africa! We’re both philanthropic. Go us.

As if she just asked if he was gay. Boundaries Anastasia.

As if she’s all hot and bothered after that way-too-deep and bizarre two minute conversation. I mean he’s handsome and all, but still. Keep it together woman.

Okay Rachel, I feel like you’re being too judgemental. Give it a proper go.

As if Kate just nicked her sandwich. If one of my housemates pulled a move like that I would literally be like “Yo bitch, you best be giving me that sandwich back!”. I’m not even kidding. Like Joey from friends, I do NOT share food.

Oh Ana is holding a Grey Corporate pencil to her mouth. Non-subtle phallic imagery there. Lol. (I hate that I just used "lol" in a post but these are the unfiltered, unedited thoughts I had while watching the film and, unfortunately, I did say "lol" out loud)

Ewww, why does Ana’s friend have such a horrible goatee? Seriosuly dude, it ain’t a good look. It never was and it never will be. LOSE THE GOATEE.

Wow, Jennifer Ehle went from playing Elizabeth Bennett to Anastasia’s mother. Bet she never thought she’d be taking roles like this one back in the heyday. And she used to date Colin Firth. I wonder if he’s seen this film? Probably not… Be hilarious if he had though.

Awwwhh, her mother isn’t going to her graduation? That’s actually super sad. I would hate it if my ma’ couldn’t go to my graduation. Especially if the reason was because her boyfriend had broken his foot! I’d be all like “Woman you’d best be at my graduation!”

I wonder how long CG was waiting in that aisle?

He’s got a super cute smile. Like seriously, I would not peg the owner of that smile as a creepy, BDSM-loving weirdo.

This film has no fluidity. They’re just jumping from one interaction to the next becoming more infatuated with each other for no discernible reason. This is frustrating. Also, why was there just an excessively long shot of a coffee cup? Is there some subliminal messaging in that? Does the director want us to drink more coffee? Shit, writing the word "coffee" has made me crave it. Curse my susceptibility!

Her mother is on husband number four and she calls her an ‘incurable romantic’? Hmmmm, more like PLAYYAAAA.

Oh god, that whole rescue-her-from-the-oncoming-bike-of-doom, cheek-nuzzle moment was not very well executed. Why did they have to be so cheesy?

So she’s 21 and she can’t apply her own makeup? Come on girl, they have freakin’ tutorials on YouTube for that kind of thing now. Get your shit together.

Oh my god, I wish somebody would buy me a first edition book. Jammy get!

Okay her drunken impression of him is actually really funny. I’m liking this just a little bit. Stay with it, for the love of god!

Ewww, Jose. You’re supposed to be her friend and instead you’re hitting on her while she’s drunk. Why do guys do that kind of shit? Like seriously, boundaries dude.

Okay, first CG topless scene didn’t disappoint. And brazenly taking a bite of her toast like that? Christian you flirt you.

Don’t kiss her now. She’s just woken up after a night of alcohol and throwing up. Her breath is probably rank!

Oh my god, I hate to say it but Jamie Dornan isn’t that good. How could he be so good in The Fall and so bad in this? I don’t get it.

Oh lol, he said ‘Laters baby’. CG just made a funny. Well done CG, well done.

Man, I wish I knew how to fly a helicopter. Though my fear of heights may render that a useless talent…

Well that “Red Room of Pain” is seriously creepy. If I saw that I would turn on the spot and start running as fast as I possibly could, all while screaming ‘MURDERER!!” at the top of my lungs.

You’ll punish her if she doesn’t “please” you?! Oh sorry, I didn’t realise we’d taken a time machine back to the 18^th-effing-century.

God, sex scenes must be SO AWKWARD to film.

Why do films always depict ‘losing the v-card’ as a super sensual moment?!

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have zero sexual chemistry. 

How is she being so cavalier about meeting the mother of the guy she’s just lost her virginity to? And after the mother nearly walked in on them as well? This girl is weird. Very, very weird.

He bought her a computer? Jesus, that’s a bit excessive isn’t it?

Hang on, its just occurred to me that she’s waited 21 years for the “right guy” to lose her virginity to and she’s known CG little more than a week before she’s hopping into bed with him. I mean it was still her choice and everything, but where’s the sense in that?

Why is she wearing pigtails? What is she, 12?! No adult should EVER wear pigtails unless that adult is going as red riding hood for Halloween.

Why is that meeting room so dark? Like seriously, they can’t even see each other. In fact, why does the world in general have such an aversion to natural lighting? I live for natural lighting!

Oh look at Ana getting all territorial and sassy with those girls. For some reason its prompted Shania Twain’s “Man I Feel Like a Woman” to play on a loop in my head. Good song.

Dakota Johnson is way too skinny. I can see her ribs. She looks like one of those poor little rescue dogs on an RSPCA advert. EAT WOMAN!

I wonder if Jamie Dornan already knew how to plait hair or if he had to acquire the skill for this role?

I’m loving the deliberately awful dance moves Anastasia is pulling out. She’s actually quite funny. I bet that’s what I look like on the dance floor.

Oooohhh, Rita Ora’s big cameo! Liking the little bob she’s got going on.

Oh so she was only in it for 10 seconds. Okay. So the hype was a whole load of hoo-har-nonsense then. Thanks, filmmakers, for once again getting people's hopes up for nothing. 

Was Anastasia asleep when CG was confessing about his messed up childhood and crack-head mother? Because she woke up like straight afterwards with a smile on her face which seems a little insensitive if you ask me.

Oh. Em. Gee. Her stepdad is Pacey’s brother from Dawson’s Creek! He’s aged well. How old is he anyway? *quick google search*. He’s 46? Christ I feel old.

Anastasia just said fuck in front of her mother. My god, if I ever said fuck in front of my mother I think I would be ostracised.

Oooohhh, so he just called her his girlfriend. Judging from the chorus of ‘awwwhhhss’ in the audience, I’m thinking that’s a big step. Well done you perverted little deviant you.

Oh my god, they’re doing nosedives and loop-de-loops in that gliding airplane thingy and she’s just laughing away. I mean it’s a nice romantic gesture and all but I’d be more likely to hurl if anything.

Why are they playing operatic church music during a scene where she is handcuffed to the bed and is being whipped? There is something so purposefully distasteful about that. I mean I know the whole thing is distasteful, but church music? Really? Are they trying to offend that poor little Pope and his merry band of Nuns?

Yeah, we get it CG, you like to play the piano in the dark because you’re oh-so-dark and misunderstood. NEW IMAGE PLEASE!

So she’s finally came to her senses then. Knew it had to happen eventually.

Oh so it’s over? Erm…okay. Rather abrupt.

JUST LIKE THIS POST.

The Affair - Episodes 2-6

Okay, so yeah, the whole episode-by-episode review thing didn’t quite pan out. I have a good reason though. Well, no, not really. Unless you count binge-watching and not wanting to stop this cycle of binge-watching to write a review a good reason?

My binge-watching and neglect of the reviewing does prove something about this show though – that being how mind-consuming and brilliant it is. Honestly I was hard-pressed to write this, but I figured if I left it too long then it would be pointless even writing my thoughts down, because who’s gonna wanna read a review that skips so many friggin’ episodes. Anyhoo, enough excuses and pointless rambling…

The plot has definitely thickened between these two characters, as you would expect for a show called ‘The Affair’. Episodes two and three concentrate primarily on establishing a foundation for the relationship between Noah and Alison. It’s not quite just lust that motivates the endless sex between them anymore, but an understanding of one another and an understanding of the fact that both are completely dissatisfied with their marital lives. What starts off as an undeniable attraction soon becomes a relationship where the two admit things to each other that they fear to speak about or admit to anybody else in their lives. When Alison confesses to Noah the death of her son and explains that sometimes she cuts herself to relieve the pain, you can sense a palpable change in the dynamic between the characters. This scene is quickly followed by yet more sex, except it isn’t just sex this time but something more. I hesitate to use the expression ‘making love’, a. because I detest that expression and b. because they’ve barely known each other a week, but it’s definitely a step in a less detestable direction.

As for the personal progress of the characters themselves, I remain loyal to my initial summary in the first post. I still dislike and distrust Noah. There is something about his character that just screams ‘secret sociopath’ and every time I look at the guy I question the sanity of Alison for picking him over her constantly loving and supporting husband Cole (but maybe that’s just because he’s played by Joshua Jackson who was basically the love of my life during my formative years when he played Pacey from Dawson’s Creek). I think the crux of my problem with Noah is that I feel like during his perspectives he is painting Alison out to be something she’s not. The guy has an ulterior motive, of that I have no doubt. Because don’t forget, at the heart of this romance lies a murder mystery, a murder mystery that undoubtedly involves Noah and Alison in some way. The victim, by the way, is none other than (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Scotty Lockheart – Alison’s brother-in-law and, might I add, one fine specimen of a human being. Could it be that Noah murders Scotty because he starts a secret affair with Noah’s 16 year old daughter? It would certainly be an interesting twist and would explain why Alison would help keep Noah out of the firing line with regards to the endless police questioning the pair face. PLUS, who says the show is about Alison and Noah’s affair at all? Scotty is married after all… OH SNAP, mystery solved by yours truly. (No but seriously, don’t listen to me because anybody watching the show would have jumped to that conclusion almost immediately. It ain’t gonna be that easy.)

Moving swiftly on… My love for the character of Alison is unwavering. That woman is so damn vulnerable and relateable I can’t help but think that she’s just being taken advantage of in her grief. She is clearly very damaged, and though she tries to put on a brave face and get on with her life, it’s very obvious that it’s just an elaborate act. Some of the reveals within the last 4 episodes though certainly do colour my opinion of the future Alison. For one, she is married (and since she was already married to begin with I can only assume it’s to somebody different) and what’s more she also has a child. This really makes me wonder how far in the future these characters are reminiscing from, because the Alison we see being interviewed by police is far removed from the Alison conducting an illicit affair in the midst of grief. Future Alison seems more aloof, calmer and collected. I get the sense that she is hiding something big, and as odd as it sounds the juxtaposition of past Alison and future Alison makes me uneasy. Clearly this show has a lot more to give and explain before we’ll finally find out what happens between this messed up pair and their involvement with Scotty’s death.

I’ll leave this post with both a friendly warning and deep encouragement. Foremost: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT WATCH THIS SERIES WITH YOUR PARENTS/FAMILY. THERE IS A LOT OF SEX AND GRAPHIC CONTENT (AND I MEAN A LOT), SO JUST STAY AWAY. Secondly, apart from the fact that you should avoid watching with family, you should definitely not avoid watching. Its compelling, complex and absolutely must-see TV. 

A rambler's rating? 

The Affair - Episode 1 (2014)

I’m a bit confused as to how I should start this post to be honest, because I’ve literally just finished watching the first episode of this programme and I’m…well, I’m at a loss for words. It’s completely spellbinding and intriguing, and I want more. A lot more. Like, right now.

The episode is structured into two sections, the first half narrated by Dominic West’s character Noah while the second half is narrated by the gloriously talented Ruth Wilson as Alison. Both half’s tell a story that follows the same pattern with odd details here and there altered, to reflect how memory can distort a person’s opinion of events. The first half begins with West, showing him go about his routine as a happy (or relatively so) family man set to vacation with the in-laws for the summer. It’s typical in its portrayal of the dissatisfactions one can feel when they feel there life is becoming stale. He seems vaguely fatigued by the role he has taken on in life, but not enough to make the viewer question his loyalty to this life. When he meets Alison, the connection seems instant. She is sexy and mysterious and everything he doesn’t have. She is the siren come to ruin him. We see this emphatically so when, after walking her home from a beach party at night, she invites him to view her outdoor shower, and then to use it. When he politely declines, she shamelessly undresses in front of him and hops in. (I like the confidence lady!). When he leaves to go home he suddenly hears arguing from her house and goes to check everything is okay, only to walk in on her and her partner having hateful sex against the car while she encourages Noah to watch, smirking in satisfaction and gaining some sort of voyeuristic pleasure in having him witness this carnal act. It was shocking to say the least, not because of the graphic content (well, yeah, kinda because of the graphic content) but because watching a woman play the role of confident and sultry seducer completely in charge is a rarity in TV. There is something both intensely empowering about this version of her character and something verging on psychotic.

I say ‘version of her character’ because in the second half we are introduced to a very different woman. A woman clearly broken and a shell of a human. The audience soon learn this is down to the loss of her young child two years prior to the events of the story, which adds a completely new depth to her character. Instead of the strong sexy Alison of the first half, we are given an intensely vulnerable Alison. One who the audiences heart go out to as she struggles to cope with the loss of her child and the effects this has on her marriage. When she meets West’s character she is timid and shy, yet clearly drawn to him as he was to her in the first half. If one thing can’t be denied between the two versions, which both present very different perspectives, it’s that Alison and Noah are attracted, perhaps even connected, to one another. In this version though Noah is the instigator and the voyeur, and there is something very letchy and unlikeable about his character, as if he senses her vulnerability and is using it to his advantage.

Throughout both sections we here the two characters narrate their respective stories, prompted by questions from a man we can only assume is a police officer given the context and isolation of the room they are being questioned in. Knowing this almost immediately as the programme begins, I couldn’t help but wonder what led these two characters into this situation. Did they fall so madly in lust or love with each other that they plotted the murders of their partners? Did they plot the murder of each other? Are they this generations Bonnie and Clyde?  So many questions which already have me begging for me of this delicious psychological drama, which earned Wilson a Golden Globe award for Best Actress in a drama series. I’m only one episode in and I can already tell it was well deserved. She is undoubtedly the driving force of this series, her talent and ability to portray two drastically different versions of this character the foundation for my already obsessive love for this programme.

If I’m certain of one thing with The Affair (which is bold of me to say, because I feel like this could literally go anywhere), this Alison and Noah certainly ain’t gonna have the happy ending of another fictional duo under the same monikers. Nope, I do not predict a happy ending. And I can’t bloody wait. Keep your eyes peeled for more episode-by-episode (hopefully) reviews.

A film rambler’s rating? 

Selma (2014)

This film had a profound effect on me, because it packs so much heart and emotion into a subject that tarnishes the concept of equality amongst humanity. As I watched, entranced by the murder and corruption faced by MLK and the people of Selma, I thought about what it means to be equal. Equality – such a basic right, and one that I and almost every person in our modern, technology-driven world take for granted. The right to vote, the right to freedom, the right to privacy, the right to life. We, each and every human among us, have 30 basic human rights. Do you know them? I know I don’t, not all of them anyway. Which seems such a waste of all of the struggles that our ancestors have suffered. Such a waste of the tears and torture they endured. This is what I thought of as I finished watching this inspiring film. My own place in this world and what I choose to do with it. Will I waste it? Or will I rise above myself and my insecurities and everything that might knock me down and become something great and something I can be proud of, just as Martin Luther King did in the face of adversity?

That’s the Martin Luther King affect I guess. That man inspired so many with his words, and that can be seen in this chronicle of the march he lead from Selma to Montgomery as he campaigned to secure equal voting rights for the black citizens of the notoriously racist Alabama state , despite the violence and death that plagued his path. It is an unflinching biopic of the corruption that stood in his way, and the personal struggles he battled throughout this great cause. Writer Paul Webb does a good job of presenting the life of MLK on many different strands, from his passion to promote change to how he maintained his family life on top of this.

The film begins in 1964 with Martin Luther King receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for his non-violent civil rights movement, and moves quickly to his relationship with the President of the United States – Lyndon Johnson. Both men have very different agendas, both noble, but both different. Johnson wants to tackle the War on Poverty with King at his side, but King sees a greater cause in changing legislation in order to remove the barriers that prevent African-Americans from participating in their right to vote. For much of the film, these men fight one another in what honestly feels like a game of chicken. King demands support from the President, and urges him to realise that it is his duty as the elected representative of the people to actually represent the people. Johnson has different priorities though, and so we witness as the people take to march. The first march is unsuccessful as the non-violent protestors are viciously attacked with batons and tear gas. As this scene plays out, being narrated by a white broadcaster clearly horrified at the grotesque and inhumane torture he witnesses, we as viewers sit entranced and sickened. To acknowledge that this event actually took place, that innocent people with no intention of fighting back were savagely beaten, that this is not just something made up by a clever writer who knows how to elicit a reaction, is upsetting to say the least. It is an event in history that we must not forget though, because to forget would be to disregard the suffering, the hard work and the determination of a brave collective.

What I admired about this film was that it didn’t just give a straight-up biopic of the man’s life. It concentrated on one specific fight and in doing so gave the story a voice and integrity that allow it to be heard and seen more forcefully. Like Invictus and Lincoln before it, the political follies and processes were captured without pandering to the audience. I didn’t feel like I was being taught a lesson, which is to say I didn’t feel bored or put upon by the film, but rather I was intrigued and desperate to know more about this period of history. The fact that we get to see the political cunning of King alongside his compassion is interesting, because it depicts just how clever this man was to be able to inspire so many. King has a strong voice, and the actor portraying him, David Oyelowo, captures this brilliantly. Oyelowo has had a career in film and stage for 16 years, and yet this is his first major motion picture, which is frankly surprising as hell. His performance perhaps wasn’t as memorable as similar films with similar agendas, but the quiet energy and passion with which he delivers each line is a clear indicator that this man’s talents have been overlooked for too long. The fact that he isn’t well known though was something I really liked about this film. In fact none of the main cast were big, knock-out stars (with the exception of a small role played by Oprah Winfrey, who also acted as producer for the film) which added an authenticity to it. It made it seem more real and made the struggle of the people more painful to watch as they continued to try to march and met hostility at every turn. Maybe that’s just a peculiarity of mine, but sometimes when I’m watching a heartrending moment in film I suddenly remember that I’m watching big “movie star” actors and think “Oh wait, Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t really die in the icy depths of the Atlantic ocean. He’s an actor. It’s fine. Stop freaking out. No seriously Rachel, stop crying… You’re embarrassing yourself with your unhealthy attachment”. Is that just me? (I think I already know the answer to be honest). Back to the point though, watching a relatively unknown cast play out these real life horrors made the film more authentic, and had me crying for most of it. No wonder there is so much Oscar buzz surrounding the film.

I’m gonna end on a note that seems extremely appropriate given the subject of the film. Sorry if it seems irritating but after I’d watched Selma it really made me think (as I’ve said for like the thousandth time now). So here it is:

Think about equality. Think about humanity. What does it deserve? To be treated with kindness and respect? Yes. Not to face ridicule because of gender or sexuality or any other kind of preference? Yes. I might sound naïve, but I don’t care. If there is one thing everybody could do with a bit more of, its compassion, as Martin Luther King practiced and taught throughout his life.

Here are our 30 basic human rights…

(You might be surprised by how many you didn’t know and how obvious they seem in retrospect)

1. We are all free and equal. We are all born free. We all have our own thoughts and ideas. We should all be treated in the same way.

2. Don’t discriminate. These rights belong to everybody, whatever our differences.

3. The right to life. We all have the right to life, and to live in freedom and safety.

4. No slavery – past and present. Nobody has any right to make us a slave. We cannot make anyone our slave.

5. No Torture. Nobody has any right to hurt us or to torture us.

6. We all have the same right to use the law. I am a person just like you!

7. We are all protected by the law. The law is the same for everyone. It must treat us all fairly.

8. Fair treatment by fair courts. We can all ask for the law to help us when we are not treated fairly.

9. No unfair detainment. Nobody has the right to put us in prison without a good reason and keep us there, or to send us away from our country.

10. The right to trial. If we are put on trial this should be in public. The people who try us should not let anyone tell them what to do.

11. Innocent until proven guilty. Nobody should be blamed for doing something until it is proven. When people say we did a bad thing we have the right to show it is not true.

12. The right to privacy. Nobody should try to harm our good name. Nobody has the right to come into our home, open our letters or bother us or our family without a good reason.

13. Freedom to move. We all have the right to go where we want in our own country and to travel as we wish.

14. The right to asylum. If we are frightened of being badly treated in our own country, we all have the right to run away to another country to be safe.

15. The right to a nationality. We all have the right to belong to a country.

16. Marriage and family. Every grown-up has the right to marry and have a family if they want to. Men and women have the same rights when they are married, and when they are separated.

17. Your own things. Everyone has the right to own things or share them. Nobody should take our things from us without a good reason.

18. Freedom of thought. We all have the right to believe in what we want to believe, to have a religion, or to change it if we want.

19. Free to say what you want. We all have the right to make up our own minds, to think what we like, to say what we think, and to share our ideas with other people.

20. Meet where you like. We all have the right to meet our friends and to work together in peace to defend our rights. Nobody can make us join a group if we don’t want to.

21. The right to democracy. We all have the right to take part in the government of our country. Every grown-up should be allowed to choose their own leaders.

22. The right to social security. We all have the right to affordable housing, medicine, education, and child care, enough money to live on and medical help if we are ill or old.

23. Workers’ rights. Every grown-up has the right to do a job, to a fair wage for their work, and to join a trade union.

24. The right to play. We all have the right to rest from work and to relax.

25. A bed and some food. We all have the right to a good life. Mothers and children, people who are old, unemployed or disabled, and all people have the right to be cared for.

26. The right to education. Education is a right. Primary school should be free. We should learn about the United Nations and how to get on with others. Our parents can choose what we learn.

27. Culture and copyright. Copyright is a special law that protects one’s own artistic creations and writings; others cannot make copies without permission. We all have the right to our own way of life and to enjoy the good things that “art,” science and learning bring.

28. A free and fair world. There must be proper order so we can all enjoy rights and freedoms in our own country and all over the world.

29. Our responsibilities. We have a duty to other people, and we should protect their rights and freedoms.

30. Nobody can take away these rights and freedoms from us.

* List provided by Youth For Human Rights International, adapted and simplified from the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights - See more at: http://www.samaritanmag.com/we-have-30-basic-human-rights-do-you-know-them#sthash.lYmYsciP.dpuf

Into the Wild (2007)

Okay everyone, so I’m going to do something very special and show you a piece I wrote which was included in my summative portfolio for my Creative Writing module at the end of my first year of university. I haven’t done this before and I’m going to let you in on a little secret, it’s because of this piece which you’re about to read that I started my film blog in the first place. Technically I guess you could say that this is my first post. 

The purpose of my portfolio was to showcase my abilities to adapt my writing to different styles and I chose two styles to write in, the first being (needless to say) blogging while my second piece of writing was the written script of a graphic novel (aka a comic book). Both were such fun styles and really opened my eyes to my own self-expression. That sounded really corny but whatever.

Just so you know, I’m not going to show you the whole thing (some editing and tweaking has taken place) because it’s pretty long and, well… “ain’t nobody got time for that!”.

On with the show then… (Quick FYI: structurally this post is very different from previous ones, it’s set out into three different parts, but I’m sure you’ll soon figure it out) 

I first heard of this film from my older; cockier; and much more culturally ‘in-the-know’ brother. I remember the many times he told me how much he loved this film, how inspiring it was and how stupid I was for loving films such as Clueless (as any thirteen year old girl my age would, thank you very much!). Of course in my adolescent-induced-stubbornness I refused to watch the film, countering that it was boring and that ‘you’ve probably exaggerated how good it is anyway!’, though this didn’t stop me from researching the film plot and, subsequently, the person from which the whole film was developed – Chris McCandless.

I have a very clear memory of sitting in the car, while my brother sat in the front seat talking to my mother about McCandless, and telling her, while I eavesdropped in the back seat, about how he wanted to be like this guy. Immediately I shouted from my safe position in the back seat that it was stupid to want to be like him, after all he died, and ‘in such a reckless way!’. My brother didn’t appreciate the interruption of course, but he didn’t argue, which struck me as odd, and from my position I could see a fleeting look cross his face that very much resembled sadness. The thought that I had caused this sadness with my silly interruption was disturbing, so I let the subject drop, but that small and seemingly insignificant memory will remain with me; an anecdote to tell to my sentimental parents. Now, of course, with age and the honed-down inclination to irritate my brother, I understand why the look passed his face.

It was because I had misunderstood the whole point. About Chris McCandless, about who he was, about why he was the way he was, and, most importantly, about my brother. My brother wasn’t saying that he wanted to die lonely and alone, he was telling us that he wanted to live happy; that he wanted to be an adventurer and that; above all, he wanted to live for himself. This, to me, is what the film (and the book) is about – it is about every person who wants to be free.

THE BOOK 

‘Into the Wild’ is a non-fiction book written by Jon Krakauer in 1996 which chronicles the last few years of inspired-by-the-world adventurer Chris McCandless or, as he called himself, Alexander Supertramp. This book, which Krakauer spent the best part of three years researching, offers a unique perspective onto the life and beliefs of McCandless.

I read this book recently as an undergraduate student in English Literature and, rather fittingly, it was part of a module called Contemporary Writing. I say fittingly because this book explores the themes inherent in the modern and post-modern literature movement, and for those of you with no interest in exploring this somewhat infuriating movement, have no fear, I do not intend to include a thousand word diatribe on the importance of such readings. I merely bring attention to these movements to highlight how important this book is in examining identity and the culture of ‘what-is-‘society’?’ on a very basic and human level, through the experiences of McCandless.

Of course if you’re not interested in exploring the depths of the human soul, as this very real man McCandless was, then I wouldn’t recommend this book. Though it is a fantastic piece of literature, I would offer caution to more impatient readers as it sometimes feels slow, with parts of the book feeling forced such as the mention of figures throughout history with a similar story to McCandless’ – including the author himself.

The inclusion of an authorial anecdote, though forced in my opinion, gives the story a life and a presence. The reader can’t seek out the true hero of this novel, because he didn’t survive his journey, but they can seek out and learn to understand the author. This novel is more than just a story created with the intention of fame, glory and money, it is a manifestation of the American Dream. Though it does not represent any great success inherent in this dream, it does represent the truth, which seems a rather fitting message given the life McCandless sought and lived till the very end.

Despite its minor flaws, I couldn’t help but feel that this book is somehow essential, (especially for readers in their twenties) largely due to the huge cathartic release it offers. The book acts as an emblem for the tragic figure of McCandless in that it celebrates his beliefs and his fearlessness yet also castigates the reckless actions which led to his death.

THE FILM 

The film, much like the book, is beautiful and emotionally evocative. Praise must be given to Sean Penn’s direction of the film and his what seems like effortless splicing together of separate yet pivotal moments in McCandless’ last few years of life. I will admit though, that the film sometimes comes across as trying too hard to extol the virtues of McCandless’ life, and in doing so perhaps exaggerates the themes represented by the book, i.e. themes of freedom and happiness come across as too ‘artsy’ and ‘try-hard’ in the film (scenes of flowers blowing in the wind against a burning summer sky come to mind).

I will say one thing of the book and the film – they feel very different. When I finished the book, I came away feeling sad but also relieved to have made it to the final page without giving up. When the end credits came to the film I felt sad, again, but I also felt happy and, most importantly, desperate. Desperate for some happier conclusion to play out; for the ghostly smile of McCandless’ last, horrifying death scene to not be the death scene, but some trick ending. I think the difference is though, that McCandless’ story is a visual one. In the book you can imagine the vast and extraordinary landscapes but it feels vague and fleeting, you can’t quite get a grasp on what this character was thinking or feeling. In the film, however, we can see McCandless, we can see the beauty and the desolation and, because of the utter brilliance of Emile Hirsch, we can truly feel the pain and the loneliness. Tears of happiness, tears of desperation, and tears of rage – the audience feel it all. We are taken on a visual journey, yes, but we are also taken on an emotional one.

McCandless’ relationship with certain characters is represented much differently within the film. One such relationship is with the romantic interest of the film, played by a pre-Twilight Kristen Stewart. In the book a romance is never confirmed or given much prominence, and seems an inessential detail. In the film, however, the story of unrequited love seems important to McCandless’ tale, especially when he tells her in their all too brief encounter that she does matter and she is important. This scene seems a bittersweet moment of foreshadowing, because she is important, she is the last woman McCandless had any sort of romantic interest in. The last person he had a romantic connection with. Which is a horribly tragic fact to face within the film, but an essential one, which is where the strength of this film outweighs the weakness of the book – it seems to capture the important reality of relationships, whatever nature they take.

To end an overly long post I will again emphasize the mesmerizing quality of this film, which captures a time and a place perfectly, and most importantly, captures the essence of a character so completely independent from society. Yes, I now understand what my brother was talking about all those years ago on that hot and otherwise inconsequential day and I can’t help but share that hope. A hope that I feel is transcendent of almost anyone with the capacity to wish for a life that isn’t filled with a monotonous perseverance of day-to-day life. But maybe, like McCandless, I am a hopeless and naïve romantic…

So did you like it? I don't know if you noticed but its got a very different tone and style to my usual posts. Do you prefer this style? Also, back in the old days my star rating didn't exist, so technically I should deprive you all, but...I'm not that cruel.

A film ramblers star rating? 

That's it for now folks...

Blue Like Jazz (2012)

Many of you won’t have heard of Blue Like Jazz, unless you've read the book first (which I haven’t) or seen the trailer and decided to give it a go (which is how I found it). If you have seen the trailer then you'd probably be expecting some fun-filled story of coming-of-age that also answers some of those big questions about being young. Well, if these are your expectations, (like they were mine), then prepare to leave unsatisfied. This film isn't really about college life and becoming a new person, its more about accepting the person you already are. Which sounds like a big old stonking stereotype, right?! Well, truth be told, this film kind of is. The trailer might give the impression that you’re going to see something hugely original and I don’t want to mislead you, you won’t, but since when is anything truly original these days? Yep, this film is full to the brim of stereotype. But that’s okay because while the story is stereotype its direction and its cast are fresh and bring something to this film which makes you want to stay and pay attention.

The story centres around Don (Marshall Allman), a college freshman who comes from a strong Southern Baptist background and is disillusioned by his life and religion. To escape this former life of religious structure and a stifling parent he moves from Texas to a college (that’s university to us English folk) in the Pacific Northwest where religion is mocked and his life undergoes a drastic 180 flip. Don decides that the best way of forgetting his affiliation to religion is to join those who mock it and protest its existence, which involves an hilarious scene where himself and the college “Pope” (random guy who dresses like the Pope every single day and is apparently one of the most popular guys at his college…Yep, seemed strange to me too) put a giant condom onto one of the towers of the local church and a banner which reads “Do not let these people reproduce”. Tad excessive perhaps? Yep. Harsh? Yep. But of course, that’s kind of their point. Which is an aspect of this film that confused me immensely – I constantly questioned why, a: Don could go from the assistant youth pastor in his local church to a willing participant of church defacement and, b: why the people of this college hated religion so much? If you’re looking for an answer to this question like I was then you will be disappointed, because one is never really provided. I could only guess that it is borne from the generation in which we live that has built up an intolerance and disillusionment to religion and its politics and hypocrisy.

To the films credit it knows when to back off a little with the religion and knock it up a gear with the comedy and "romance".

You’re probably thinking at this point that the film is a huge middle finger to the concept of religion and religious faith but this is where our protagonists love interest and biggest “all-things-religious-and-morally-just” contender turns things up a gear and offers us a different perspective. This character’s name is Penny (played by Claire Holt whom some may recognise from The Vampire Diaries) and she is a formidable presence in Don’s life who constantly questions his motives and in turn makes him consider these motives and his own beliefs throughout the film. Though this character is necessary within the plot she sometimes comes off as high-and-mighty and frankly I find it hard to believe that a character like her could possibly exist in real life. At least not a 19 year old version embarking on the first (maybe second) year of their college life. I mean this character protests the social injustices of bottled water and its effects on the Indian economy, volunteers in foreign countries during Christmas break and has a freaking statue of Jesus in her college dorm room! Doesn't exactly scream realism now does it? But I digress… My point is that this character adds a depth to the film which stops it from becoming a one-sided debate against the relevance of religion in modern society and instead offers a perspective wherein we get too see the positive effects of religion (shitty politics aside) in modern society.

It all seems pretty heavy for a 108 minute feature set within the context of a religious-free college, huh? That’s exactly what I thought which is why I couldn't escape that thought in the back of my head which screamed and protested at how stereotypical and contrived the entire story is. Its overall message is pretty positive, don’t get me wrong, but the film as a whole is just stereotype after stereotype with a dashing of contrivance (the cherry to our sundae, if you will). For example, when first integrating himself into the unfamiliar life of a rowdy 19 year old freshman Don goes and finds himself a lesbian best friend. This lesbian friend then proceeds to give our loveable protagonist an edgy new make-over (because that happens every day *eye-roll followed by world-weary sigh*) and tells him to go in the closet with “the religious stuff”. Yep, a lesbian told this guy to “go in the closet”. Well I for one couldn't help the eye roll and slight disbelief as this scene played out. This is just one example where the plot felt contrived and slightly ridiculous, and I could probably offer you more but then I feel like I would be over-emphasising my point and perhaps giving the wrong impression of this film. It’s not bad per se; in fact for the most part I enjoyed it, especially the scenes involving some alcohol-involved embarrassment or an exchange between our star-crossed duo Don and Penny. Hell the film even got an enthusiastic laugh once or twice, despite the heavy subject matter. When I wasn't enjoying Blue Like Jazz though I was being pulled between the films two forces, both of which elicited different and rather negative reactions. The scenes showing Don’s mockery of the church inspired feelings of irritation and anger at his childishness and lack of consideration, while the scenes involving Penny and her do-gooder tendencies came off as a huge and unwanted guilt-trip on the films part.

Yep, these guys are in a fake pulpit and this fake Pope is hearing fake and drunk-induced confessions. This is at a party. This is how non-religious colleges have fun...apparently. 

But I’m going to move on from my irritations at this film and instead explore the aspects which I did enjoy and which redeem it from my dislike. Namely the fresh-faced cast and stellar soundtrack. The actor portraying Don gives a convincing performance as a disillusioned teenager experiencing a severe existential crisis and at no point did his performance seem false. Which I know probably sounds hard to believe given how much I extolled this films adherence to stereotype, but just take my word for it. Allman shows extreme talent in this role and the fact that he made me want to watch despite the many instances when his character irritated me is impressive. His leading lady was equally impressive and Miss Holt made a good job of a heavy character whom I can imagine in less talented hands could of come off as annoyingly self-righteous and broad (or more so than is called for in the script anyhow). Instead Holt manages to ground this character and leaves the vague impression that there might be a fire to this character that we just aren't privy to onscreen. As for the soundtrack, I’ll keep it short and sweet – the songs are cool and add a contemporary feel to the film which is very necessary given the subject matter. When things in the film get a bit too doom-and-gloom on comes a song and suddenly things don’t seem quite so hopeless. The contemporariness of the soundtrack also emphasises the intended audience of this flick (not that it really needs emphasised given the films setting and central protagonists) and keeps our interest, as well as making us feel more comfortable (on a subconscious level) with thinking about religion and its place within our young lives. 

About that title, Blue Like Jazz. Its noted early on within the film that “Life is like jazz, it has no resolution…” but I think what this film teaches us is that if there is anything in this world that has no resolution it is religion. It cannot and never will be resolved because it is a personal journey. I know, I know – I’m deep… (In case it isn't obvious I’m being self-facetious). 

To cut a long story short…
Would I recommend this film? It would only appeal to a minority of people and the films stereotypical handling of a heavy subject matter are off-putting features of this film, but if you’re open to the idea of pondering religion and getting a chuckle or two from the deal then yeah, I would recommend it. 
A film ramblers star rating? 

That’s it for now folks…

Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

If there is one event in human history which can draw fear and tears it is the events of 9/11, which witnessed the death of over 3000 people and the destruction of a sense of safety in western civilisation. With that event came an age of war and terror that is associated with the man who orchestrated the terrible events of September 11, 2001. Given that the age of terror in which we live began on this date it seems appropriate that Zero Dark Thirty begins our tale for the manhunt of Osama Bin Laden at this point. Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break, The Hurt Locker) takes us back to this day with a simple yet hauntingly effective montage of real-life phone calls from the twin towers from people desperately yet fruitlessly calling for help. Bigelow begins the film in this way perhaps to set the tone for the rest of the movie, which is a sobering and mind-boggling dramatization of the 10 year effort to capture Bin Laden.

When we think back to the day that our TV’s were barraged with the news that Bin Laden was captured we remember the images of smiling faces celebrating his death and we especially remember the moment that Barack Obama was broadcast across the world to confirm this death. On every newspaper we read headline after headline and feature after feature declaring one thing: that Obama had captured Bin Laden. Zero Dark Thirty, however, offers us the true story which is of special CIA operative Maya (Jessica Chastain) and her on-going and arduous battle to overcome the many obstacles in the way of such an operation. Given that this manhunt lasted for 10 years and that many attacks and terrorist operations happened in between this period it would be easy for ZDT to be bogged down by the facts and seem more like a documentary than a gripping yet faithful-to-the-events film. Bigelow and the writer behind this film, Mark Boal, manage to avoid this trap however and offer a gripping narrative which is separated by specific events that not only show the personal efforts of Maya, but also emphasise the network of people that helped bring down Bin Laden.

In this scene we see Chastain's determination and no-nonsense attitude come to the forefront in her bid to convince  her superiors that she has finally uncovered Bin Laden's location.

The film is a searing and at points uncomfortable biopic of the effort that went into gathering information and building up a profile of key people within al-Qaeda. Bigelow does not shy away from offering the audience the hard truth and this is intensely evident when at the beginning of ZDT we witness the torture of an al-Qaeda member who may or may not have vital information of terrorist activity. This makes for rather uncomfortable viewing and the fact that it was done in the effort of gaining information is a hard fact to bear, reminding the viewer that Bin Laden was not merely a man but rather an institution of fear and terror from which many drew inspiration, and whom many died to protect. The fact that torture was an oft-used instrument in gaining the necessary information speaks volumes of the personal character of Maya, who at the beginning of the film seems too vulnerable and feminine to be able to withstand such acts. But as the film progresses this vulnerability turns to hardness and her humanity and character all become fixed on one goal – to capture Bin Laden at any cost.

Chastain’s performance of this character is one deserving of the Oscar-nomination she received not only for the fact that Chastain could depict a person who so dramatically changes to assimilate with the pressures and necessities of capturing such a figure, but because she so effortlessly captures a feeling which many felt when news reached that Bin Laden had been killed. That feeling of ‘What now?’ which is so clearly etched upon Chastain’s face as the film comes to a close is perfect and transcendent of the global feeling. The many questions that we face seem to be embodied by Chastain’s character, a character (who is based upon a real CIA operative known only as ‘Jen’ in “No Easy Day”, a book written by one of the Navy SEAL members involved in the Bin Laden operation) whose whole life revolved around Bin Laden.

Here Chris Pratt and Joel Edgerton play two of the SEAL team members preparing for the operation. There roles are brief but pivotal in this History-thriller. 

The actual scene which depicts the capture of Bin Laden comes at the end of the nearly 3-hour film and is an intense 25-minute sequence (very close to the actual time it took for the Navy SEAL team to carry out their mission) which left me on the edge of my seat. Shot in the cover of darkness it depicts the accuracy and efficiency of the Navy SEAL team and takes us through those final moments which saw the death of those closest to Bin Laden and depicted the purportedly accurate compound in which Bin Laden spent the final months of his life. This scenes sense of adrenaline and camaraderie are fabulously depicted by the actors depicting the Navy SEAL team, most notably Joel Edgerton and Chris Pratt, whose sense of triumph is almost contagious as the film draws to a close. The intensity of this scene is aided by its claustrophobic setting and the darkness under which these men were operating, which is as true a reflection of the real events as the audience will ever get.

The intensity of this film is a product not only of the main and ensemble cast (Mark Strong, James Gandolfini, Mark Duplass and Jason Clarke to name but a few), whose performances depict rather wonderfully the sense of urgency and desperation in capturing this terrorist figure, but also of our own feelings as the film progresses. As we witness torture and bribing and the many other tactics that were involved in Bin Laden’s capture our own feelings of urgency and wonderment become a part of this films intensity. This film is a searing and intense experience because for so many it draws to conclusion the decade-long hunt to end terrorism and restore hope into all of those, young and old, caught up in its effects.

To cut a long story short…
Would I recommend this film? I would. The sense of closure it offers is hugely cathartic despite that ‘What now?’ question that is left hanging at the end of this film. 
A film ramblers star rating?

That's it for now folks...