The Forty-Three Thoughts I had while watching A Deadly Adoption (2015)

The few months preceding the TV debut of this Lifetime movie were filled with doubt that it even existed, and the nature the film would take if indeed it did. Ferrell and Wiig released several statements claiming the movie was a hoax, and that it would never be made, and then admitted that it would and so on and so forth. This invariably piqued my interest, which says nothing of the films interesting plot or even of the star quality of the films leading roles. It does, however, tell you everything of my gullibility to publicity stunts. Even when I know something is a publicity stunt, I still burn to see it and satisfy the curiosity that was brought about by fake campaigns and righteously indignant actors who feel so betrayed that their movies were leaked ahead of time (ahem, looking at you Rogen and Franco). Of course, what is genuinely interesting (or is it?) about this film is that it’s a Lifetime movie. You know? The type of film that claims to be inspired by true events and that they show on channels like 5* at 2am, and particularly at Christmas, when they know we’re all trapped by our inability to cope with cold weather and darkening skies. It’s not just any Lifetime movie though. It’s a satire Lifetime movie. A spoof with two comedy veterans no less. Which can only mean one thing, obviously – it will either be brilliant, or even worse than the genre it is spoofing.

No time like the present to find out.

Okay, so the film is two minutes in and I already know that Will Ferrell is an alcoholic, a past-his-prime writer, and responsible for his wife’s miscarriage. Oh how I love a film with no subtext.

Should I find this flashback showing the tragic loss of their unborn child so funny? I feel like a bad human right now. Seriously though, I can’t stop laughing. I can feel the bad karma points just wracking up. *Its like those slot machines in casinos that make that incessant beep-beep sound when you've won and dispense coins, except in my case, its bad karma and I have hit the jackpot* 

So the pregnant chick just ripped up a picture of Wiig and Ferrell. CRAZY BITCH ALERT. (…no shit Rachel, it’s called A Deadly Adoption…)

Why is Will Ferrell’s hair so blonde? He looks like a 50 year GP from a Southern Belle TV programme.

So Ferrell can’t go on a book tour because last time he partied and blacked out and this is really bad. Hmmm, maybe I should reconsider how I’ve spent my life so far…?

They’re having a moment whilst discussing sunblock? Ugh, no wonder I haven’t found a boyfriend! I’ve been missing all of the deep-rooted conversational topics. *Note to self: talk about sunblock and insect repellent the next time you see a really hot guy and you will be married within six months* I’m going to call it the Will Ferrell guarantee.

Ewww, according to this guy that Wiig should clearly be with, men just can’t get enough of those six-month pregnant women. Really? I mean I know people have weird fetishes, but how could that be a turn on?

Oh she’s having a secret phone conversation. Yet more evidence that SHE IS A BADDY.

Should she really be drinking coffee when she’s pregnant? Doesn’t that stunt the babies growth? (In all seriousness, I wonder how much coffee my mam drank when she was pregnant with me.)

Well clearly crazy-pregnant-girl is creepily watching that little girl sleep because she’s not really pregnant and she wants her own kid. Though frankly she has taken a very unnecessary and confusing course of action in pursuit of this goal. Moron.

Of course crazy-pregnant-girl has an extensively tattooed boyfriend wearing a wife beater with greasy hair, because there wasn’t enough Lifetime-movie clichés in this Lifetime movie as it is.

No wonder housewives love these films, it’s hilarious-yet-addictive predictability galore.

The pregnant chick (what the hell is her name?!) is telling the little girl that she can’t trust men. Steady on, you don’t wanna ruin her teenage years just yet, she's only six years old. She's got plenty of time to have her romantic illusions shattered by the male species' inability to live up to the expectations forced on us by films.

DUDE! Don’t tell her you don’t love your wife when you’re going to adopt her non-existent baby. That should be like the first rule in the When Adopting a Baby Handbook – do these fictional fathers know nothing?! (I’m looking at you Jason Bateman from Juno).

Okay on second thought, don’t trust the pregnant chick. She’s smiling and being cryptic. I hate people who smile too much. Gives me the creeps. People who smile too much almost always have an agenda.

Dun-dun-dun. She’s wearing a fake bump and the kid has seen. That kid is totally getting murdered now. P.S. I was right about that agenda. Go me.

Okay, so now we’ve got a flashback showing that Will Ferrell and the pregnant chick had a drunken one night stand ages ago and we’re expected to believe that he just forgot this? SERIOUSLY. This is actually hilarious. You don’t forget the face of the person you recently slept with; I don’t care how drunk you are.

So the child has been kidnapped and the pregnant chick is using a false name. This is all happening way too fast, I’m so confused. I am clearly an idiot.

God, I wish Ferrell would dye his god-damn hair and I wish Kristen Wiig would stop talking about ORGANIC FOOD. UGH. (Okay, so she hasn’t discussed organic food for a while now, but I can’t stop thinking about it, she’s so stupid JUST STOP IT KRISTEN)

So this dude who’s in love with Wiig has just described the getaway vehicle as “old, not too old though”. Good going there, you’re being SUPER helpful. They’re totally going to find the kid now.

Why does putting clip-in blonde and purple streaks suddenly make the pregnant-but-not-actually-pregnant chick a badass? My childhood experiences tell me this is most definitely not the case – a purple streak does not a badass make. My words of wisdom for the day.

Don’t follow the bad guy by yourself dude-who-should-be-with-Wiig, you will get murdered and Kristen Wiig will cry because you’re a dumbass

He just got punched and the screen went black I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT WHY DON’T CHARACTERS EVER LISTEN

I think I should just write a film where people make only logical choices that way they won’t get shot needlessly

Gotta love a film with a slow-motion shot of litter rolling softly through the wind. How American Beauty of them…

Kristen Wiig you are a comedy BADASS kick this crazy bitch in the face. Screw the gun, you should just slay her with your vicious, vicious words

Finally, a bitch fight

Oh, I genuinely thought Wiig would win that one. A for effort I guess

Will, your wife is in the car being poisoned get off your ass and SAVE HER

OH-MY-GOD he’s face after being shot, that was my second favourite part of this movie. It’s the expression one would wear when a friend tells them they look a little fat, not the expression you would associate with agonising pain. I’m so happy right now.

Will Ferrell doing a slow-motion dive for a gun was never gonna end well was it? He just doesn’t have the right build. Not to mention he didn’t jump with his legs. I know all the moves, I should just be a professional stunt coordinator and maybe his stunt double.

Why are the people in this film getting shot and handling there fatal wounds so well? Like seriously, this dude was shot in the stomach and all he can muster is a feeble “Ow”?! You're literally going to die, why can't you have an existential crisis or something?!

Note to self: readjust expectations and stop being uptight. Its a Lifetime movie. *practices calm breathing* (I am legitimately practicing calm breathing as I watch/write)

Will Ferrell is having a slow-motion superman moment and I am getting so god damn sick of all of this slow-freaking-motion. Stop. It. 

I mean I should probably preface this entire thing by acknowledging that I know it’s a shoddy lifetime movie, but seriously, why are Ferrell and Wiig being so pathetic? Grow some balls guys and maybe tell a joke or something. I don’t know, I’m just spit balling right now…

Ferrell has walked into the middle of the road to stop the crazy bitch from driving away. I hope he ends this whole thing by holding out his arm and shouting NONE SHALL PASS. That would be such a beautiful moment

Why is the little girl clutching her stomach like that? She doesn’t look like she is in need of her diabetes medicine, she just looks constipated.

Oh would someone just shoot the crazy bitch already, maybe then the slow-motion will end.

Nope. Even when she gets shot we still get slow-motion. Writing the words “slow” and “motion” is starting to fry my brain. I am losing the will to live.

At least Wiig finally grew some lady balls

Oh my god, they’re seriously going to end this with a cheesy dance party? I literally want to kill myself and yet I can’t stop smiling. I’m ashamed of myself right now.

It’s finally over. I feel so overwhelmed.

Meryl Streep’s line from Doubt keeps running through my mind. Meryl feels the feels that I feel which is kind of ironic because that’s the only film of Meryl’s that I was never too keen on.

So its official, A Deadly Adoption might be the best worst thing I have ever seen. Like Meryl said – “I have such doubts”. One thing I can say of this film is that it made me realise a lot of things about myself as a person - specifically that I should really try to avoid these types of films at all costs. Spoof or not. Mainly because they impair my ability to write without an exclamation mark every other sentence, which is obviously the end of the world. 

Into The Woods (2014)

Love Meryl Streep (obviously, because who doesn’t?!). Love James Corden. Love Emily Blunt. Love Anna Kendrick. I could take or leave Chris Pine, but I’m thinking you get my point. I pretty much love this cast. Do I love this film? Not so much…

This has been highly anticipated by me and my friends for a while now, and the rave reviews only heightened our enthusiasm, so perhaps that goes some way into explaining why it fell so flat for me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate it, and if someone wanted to see it again I would, but my problem is that this film has no longevity. With musicals you usually expect something epic and awe-inspiring, something that will grab you by the gut and either gets you up singing and dancing or has you on the floor sobbing by the end. This film elicited neither reaction, and as such left me disappointed. The premise is that an old witch living next door to the Baker and his wife has promised to lift a curse she put on him and his kin if they procure four precious items that will return her youth, and in their adventures they come across popular Brothers Grimm characters along the way. It’s an extremely interesting premise, right? That’s not a trick question, I swear. The premise was a part of the reason I wanted to see the film after all. The thought of a mish-mash of fairytale characters interacting with one another and participating in one epic adventure sounds brilliant, and in its highly successful Broadway run it has proven time and again to be just that. In film however, something has been lost in translation.

Perhaps it’s the fact that the rights to the film belong to Disney, and so a lot of the gritty nature of the original script and story had to be cut in order to maintain that fun and friendly vibe we recognise from the main distributor of children’s entertainment. I’m no expert, as I haven’t seen an onstage version, but from my research I noticed a few essential moments were left from the film. Apparently the onstage version is much raunchier and violent, and I think that if this film had been picked up by a different distributor, it would have had the potential to be truly great. I’d just like to make it clear as well that I went into this film having done zero research, so the fact that I left knowing that something was missing is a clear indicator that this film has been altered too significantly to feel true to its audience. (Or its adult audience anyway).

That wasn’t my only problem with it though. I took issue with certain scenes that came off as either extremely unsettling or too rushed to feel authentic. For example, the short cameo made my Johnny Depp playing Mr Wolf saw him sing and act in a way that came off as highly paedophilic. Obviously playing the horrible wolf is going to have its drawbacks, but honestly I and my friend were looking at each other more than the screen (in abject horror) as we watched him creep behind the girl, pull the occasional suggestively erotic pose and then sing about her bright pink flesh which has no lumps. “Lumps”? In reference to a prepubescent girl? Yeah, basically the wolf is talking about the fact that this child has no breasts and how he finds this attractive in a victim. Frankly I was appalled that this was allowed in the film, because I know that if I was a parent I would be shielding my children’s eyes and writing letters of complaint to whoever allowed such blatantly erotic and paedophilic moments to play out in a children’s film. When Little Red admits to the Baker that she was scared but also “kind of excited” by the wolfs advances, that is really the last straw for me. And in a Disney film?! But anyway, I think I’ve said enough about this short section of the film to relate that I am NOT happy about Depp’s character. Oh yeah, by the way Disney and director Rob Marshall, thanks for ruining Johnny Depp for me. I’ll never be able to look at the guy in the same way again.

This scene was not the only thing I took issue with though. Unfortunately, I was not a massive fan of the singing talents of one particular character, the actor who plays Jack – Daniel Huttlestone. I hate to say this, because some may also recognise him from Les Miserables where he played Gavroche superbly, but in this film his talents did not transfer quite so...smoothly.Your guess is as good as mine as to why. When he was singing it honestly just sounded like he was shouting, and his acting came off as forced and exaggerated in parts which ruined key moments in the film. (God, I feel like such a bitch saying mean things about a kid. I’m sorry!). Wasn’t the biggest fan of Chris Pine’s singing voice either, but he played the Prince Charming who isn’t so charming very well, and his scene with Billy Magnussen singing under the waterfall was some brilliantly clichéd (that was what they were going for, so I mean it as a compliment) cinema.

The film wasn’t without its merit (namely a fantastic and enthusiastic performance of It Takes Two by Corden and Blunt which made me really happy and saved this film from being switched off half way through. Also Streep. Because Streep is a merit in everything she does) but it didn’t meet my expectations and for this I am bitterly disappointed. It felt rushed, contrived and too abrupt in parts to maintain my interest. Why Meryl Streep’s character, the driving force for much of the action in the first half of the film, suddenly disappears in the second half is beyond me. If an explanation was given, it certainly wasn’t blatant enough to offer me and my housemates any sort of resolution to her character. But, it’s a Disney film aimed mainly toward children, so I guess not everything has to be tied up neatly…

All in all, I was not happy with the outcome of this film. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either, which is surprising given the stellar cast and experienced crew (Rob Marshall and Steven Sondeheim) at its helm.

A rambler’s star rating?

Frozen (2013)

And who says adults can’t enjoy animation?? That’s the question I found myself asking as the end credits rolled and this delightful Disney movie came to its conclusion. I’d been looking forward to this since its trailer was released, especially since one of the lead characters was voiced by the wonderful and hilarious Kristen Bell. Unfortunately responsibilities come before indulging in my inner child but, alas, I watched; I loved – and now I review.

My initial love of the film is its leading ladies and the dynamic and love between the two that becomes the films driving force. Instead of some fabled love-at-first-sight mumbo-jumbo to take us to the films problem and eventual solution, we have a complex story of sisterhood and what the strength of this bond will force one to do. Herein lies the two leading ladies – Elsa (Idina Menzel) and Anna (Kristen Bell). The film begins by establishing the strong bond of love between the two borne from their adventures and fun due to the ice-cold powers emanating from the hands of Elsa, who can turn the ballroom of their giant castle into an ice-rink. Their fun quickly takes a turn for the worse though when Elsa accidently sends a bolt of ice to her beloved sister Anna, knocking her unconscious and eventually leading to any-and-all memories of Elsa’s magic being taken from Anna – to ensure her safety (I won’t go into details, because I don’t want to spoil it). After this Elsa becomes ruled by fear, and begins to ignore her endearing and fun-loving sister Anna to keep her safe. At the films conclusion it turns out this fear-driven method of avoidance and control may not have been the best course of action because, it being a Disney movie and all, love is of course the answer and solution to pretty much everything. Oh how I wish my life was a Disney movie…

The film doesn’t just find its strength in its outside-the-box true-loves-kiss-maybe-aint-the-answer-this-time approach however. It’s also made extremely endearing because of its lead, the princess that saves the day – Anna. I’d read a few interviews before seeing the movie where Kristen Bell explained that she didn’t want Anna to be some run-of-the-mill princess who relied on men to solve the problems and couldn’t pull a few punches herself. She’d explained that in helping create Anna she hoped to bring to life a character she’d always craved for as a kid – a strong, determined, and very awkward princess. A princess girls could actually relate to. Well Kristen Bell – BRAVO. Her wishes have been fulfilled in this character because, unlike many of the Disney princesses preceding her, I felt more endeared and in-tune with Anna than I have for a Disney character before. Her strength often surpasses that of the lead male – Kristoff - whom she saves on more than one occasion. In addition to this strength comes her no-holds-barred argumentativeness, which leads to some downright hilarious disagreements between the hapless Kristoff whose found himself helping the princess without much choice in the matter. The slight awkwardness and naivety which also makes up Anna adds a truth to the character that young girls could do with these days. Furthermore (and I hope I don’t sound obnoxious when I say this because, really, I’m only nineteen and have no right to a level of superiority that only parents can adequately pull off), kids could do with being reminded that they are indeed kids once in a while, and Frozen, with its messages of friendship and female empowerment, is an excellent method of doing so.

Of course I couldn’t write this review without giving mention to the non-human sidekicks that have come as a highly expected, and wonderfully anticipated, aspect of any contemporary Disney film. (We need only look at Tangled and Shrek as points of reference). Frozen has even surpassed these animated-capers though with Olaf the talking snowman and Sven the goofy and adorable reindeer. I won’t lie, Olaf might just be better than Donkey from Shrek, and believe me, I realise the magnitude of this statement. His enthusiasm and loyalty make him extremely likeable, yet the real clincher is his craving for summer and warmth and his ignorance at what this means for him. The scene in which he sings his enthusiasm for this season is perfect and makes you want to rewind and watch all over again. The fact that he has no subtely whatsoever also puts him up there with the best of the Disney-sidekicks. Also it can’t go without saying that the voice for Olaf – Josh Gad (whom some may recognise from Love & Other Drugs, New Girl and The Internship) – is absolutely perfect. Gad’s comedic timing is essential in bringing Olaf to life and his enthusiasm and nuance make him perfect for voiceover, especially animated voiceover.

To bring the review to a close I’d like to reiterate some points. First and foremost – who said adults couldn’t enjoy an animation?! If you are an adult and were wondering whether to catch this when it comes out on DVD then I would give you a big resounding YES. It’s hilarious, endearing, and doesn’t follow the usual Disney recipe (200g of true-love, 100g of evil-hoping-to-destroy-love, 50g of song-and-dance, 1tsp of talking-animals and just a pinch of magic). The film is refreshingly original while still maintaining the elements that we love. Also, this film has some damn catchy songs – type into YouTube “Let it Go” and “In Summer” to see what I mean.

To cut a long story short…

Would I recommend this? Even if you don’t usually go for an animation I would encourage, maybe even insist, that you see this. It’s too funny, sweet and original not to. 
A film rambler's star rating?

Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

If there is one surety in movies these days, it’s that Hollywood is determined to suck dry any and all fairy-tales until we've seen it all and, like any fad-thing, got bored and moved on. While it’s nice to see our old childhood fairy tales reincarnated for our adult eyes to enjoy, it’s a sad inevitability that what we once loved we will begin to hate. (Hollywood will never learn, will it?) Given this little tirade it would be fair to assume that I didn't enjoy the film, and while this is not the case, I would warn those who prize originality over anything else in a movie there going to spend money to see, that this may not be the film for you. I’ll dispense with my minor irritation though and get on with the rest of this review…

The film is pretty faithful to the original tale, with the added bonus (and Hollywood obligation) of a damsel-in-distress sub-plot which serves as the reason for the escapade into dangerous-giant-territory. Here Jack is played by the goofishly-charming Nicholas Hoult, who brings to life our fairy-tale fool with an ease reminiscent of his starring-turn in About a Boy. Of course the story has changed and the actor has grown, but the performance is just as grade-A and the awkwardness and wit we saw in that film can be seen in JTGS. Hoult manages to bring life to this character and his quiet heroism is an endearing aspect of this otherwise somewhat stiff and disappointing film.

What I disliked about this film I am not quite sure, the cast was stellar with starring turns from Ewan McGregor and Academy Award nominee Stanley Tucci, and the CGI with which our dastardly giants came to life was quite extraordinary, but something in this film fell flat. I think perhaps that can be attributed in part to the screenplay, which tried to be funny, but only in a very broad and cliched way. There’s only so much good acting and a visually-convincing set can do, in my opinion. 

The CGI and other special effects are a fantastic and enjoyable aspect of this otherwise lack-luster film. It will certainly have  its younger audience cowering behind the sofa. I mean just look at that guy. Yuck, huh?! 

The screenplay is the backbone of any good film, just think about your favourite lines from your favourite movies. Sure the actors said them in a certain way and a certain piece of music was playing as it was said, but it’s all down to the pen and the paper. The impression I get from this film is that the writers were so determined to create a swashbuckling-beast-of –mish-mashed-genres and fairy-tale legends that they were too broad with the entire thing. Tucci’s character, for example, is glaringly stereotypical as the buck-toothed villain with the skinny sidekick to boot. I know stereotype is an expected aspect of any fairy-tale legend, but here the writers had a fantastic opportunity to add something new and exciting to the legend, and failed to deliver. Perhaps they should have taken a note out of director Tommy Wirkola’s book and took our beloved Jack and the Beanstalk legend in a similar direction as Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.

The film isn't entirely disappointing and I wouldn't write it off completely, especially if you’re looking for something which will appeal to a younger audience, however if you were hoping for an original take on this fairy-tale classic then look elsewhere. Not to say that I didn't chuckle in parts and root for our hero throughout, but I just wasn't convinced by the general tone and execution of the film.

All-in-all a fantastic set of actors, especially the eponymous hero played by ever-charming Hoult, but a somewhat disappointing production which failed to raise itself to epic heights (no pun intended).

To cut a long story short…
Would I recommend this? To a younger audience, I would. But the late teen and adult demographic will come away from this film with a feeling of indifference. 
A film ramblers star rating? 

That's it for now folks...

Eight Below (2006)

You might have a few preconceived notions about this film, which I feel the need to clear up before I can begin with the actual review/opinion portion of this post. Don’t worry, I’m not going to spend too long on this, but it is necessary, so bear with me.

First of all, this is a family drama by Disney so right now anyone over the age of 15 is probably thinking ‘this isn't a film for me’. You are wrong. This film may be by Disney but that doesn't mean it’s just for kids, this packs a punch and a half and I defy any adult not to shed a tear or two over this one. It’s reminiscent of Marley & Me in that respect. Not only will it tug at any person who has a heart, but it also raises some interesting ideas about how far a person would go to rescue the ones they love, whether that person is human or canine. Don’t dismiss yourself because you don’t think this film is for your demographic; personally I’m not sure this film has an age demographic. If you like a good film then here’s your ticket.


Second of all, the cast. If, like me, you’re not a fan of Paul Walker because he seems like a one-trick-pony who can only do action-hero/bad-guy/heart-throb then please just leave those thoughts at the doorstep for a moment. Walker shines in this production, because for once he’s playing a character whose sole purpose isn't to get the girl (though he does) or catch the bad guy and look cool doing it – this character has an emotional connection to the canines he is trying to save and that emotion is etched into every action he takes and every plea he makes. Paul Walker isn't the only casting choice I would like to address however, because while he does make up much of the film, it is also the canine cast whose journey we explore. These guys aren't just there to coo over either, these guys are characters. They have their own characteristics and story lines and they are just as heart-breaking and believable as the human cast. I was genuinely flabbergasted by the talent these beautiful canines display – and flabbergasted isn't a word I use lightly.


Now for the review portion, to reiterate my previous statements – this film is truly great. It follows Jerry (Walker), an Antarctic guide who is forced to leave his beloved team of sled dogs behind in the Antarctic winter to fend for themselves after he and his colleague are injured in the field. Obviously this doesn't go down well and while Jerry tries and fails for many portions of the film to get back out there and see if he can save his team, we follow the journey of the dogs and witness how they survive the treacherous winter and lack of food, not to mention dangerous predators. 

Loyalty and friendship are where the heart of this film lies. 

If you’re an animal lover then be warned, you will most likely cry at regular intervals of this film. While I love a good tear-jerker I often make it my mission not to succumb to the tears, but I failed with spectacular fashion at this one; and let me tell you, I am not a graceful crier. Picture crocodile tears and a horribly blotched face - hence the try-not-to-cry-at-films-mission. Whenever it comes to animals that face danger or pain, however, I have no control over my tear ducts. Which makes me wonder - has anyone else ever experienced the overwhelming need to cry when a dog dies in ANY film, yet can remain stoic and tear-free when it comes to human death? (Sam from I Am Legend comes to mind, along with Marley from, need I say it, Marley & Me). Does this say more about me, or the age in which we live where death doesn't seem a shocking thing to witness on film?

Moving swiftly on…

It might interest you that this film was inspired by true events, so naturally I researched just how closely the film stays true to these ‘events’. I was surprised to find that, though it was moved about thirty years into the future and the Antarctic team was changed from Japanese to American, it does remain quite faithful to the original and harrowing tale. The film depicts a much happier ending however (SPOILER), with most of the sled dogs surviving the impossible conditions of the Antarctic winter, while in reality only two of the sled dogs survived in a team of fifteen. A tragic and harrowing fact which makes you appreciate the vulnerability of your pet-pooch just a bit more, huh?

All-in-all, this is a film I would recommend to pretty much anyone and I enjoyed the style and emotion with which it was made, no hammy acting, no cliche – which is a risk in a film like this. Just an excellent family drama for any and all ages.

Best line:
Jerry:You gotta take chances for the things you care about...

To cut a long story short…
Would I recommend this? ABSOLUTELY. 
A film ramblers star rating?

That’s it for now folks…